Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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