is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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