sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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