youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
