Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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