He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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