Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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