Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
