Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
