I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
