This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
