Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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