Screwed.edu
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
