I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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