I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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