saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
