We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
What a dumb baby whore.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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