i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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