Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
