i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
