if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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