angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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