also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
