Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
