Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize