I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize