All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
