Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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