you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
