this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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