Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
