my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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