but the lizard people decide everything anyway
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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