best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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