If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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