Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
