Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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