So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
