there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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