i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
