Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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