Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I forgot how hot balto sounded
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
