please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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