My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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