It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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