I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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