she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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