There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
