I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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