The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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