Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
