i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
