So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
