I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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