We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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