at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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