I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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