Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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