no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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